Dear X,
Please find attached the revised version of my chapter for your volume. I have endeavoured to address all the many points and suggestions you raised, while still trying to keep hold of the fact that it’s actually my work. You are free to write the chapter yourself if this is insufficient.
I do remain sceptical about your demand for illustrations – is discussion of George Grote, a reasonably familiar name to historians of Ancient Greece, really enhanced by including a picture of him? – but I have, as requested, expended the necessary time and money to get the permissions for reproduction, and attach the files.
Best wishes,
Neville
Dear X,
I am by nature the most peaceful, conciliatory, accommodating and indeed doormat-like of men. My ‘Enemies List’ – meaning personal enemies, of course; the list of ideologies, organisations, public figures, television shows and the like which I would happily raze to the ground is quite substantial, plus badgers – has hitherto contained just a single name. It now has two.
“My 1st report suggested that your writing was sometimes a problem. I need you to continue to improve your writing. There are still sentences here that are too long, and semi-colons (‘;’) and colons (‘:’) that need to be replaced with full stops (‘.’). I note as many of these problems as possible below. I sincerely ask you to revise them thoroughly. Me having to do so on your behalf would be far from ideal.”
Leaving aside the fact that my English is entirely grammatical and correct, how can you imagine that this is an appropriate manner to address a colleague? Or indeed anyone?
You seem to be labouring under a remarkable delusion as to how much of an honour it is to appear in this volume, and how much people may therefore put up with in order to do so. It gives me great pleasure to withdraw my contribution rather than submit to this unprofessional nonsense.
Fuck off and die,
Neville
Dear X,
Thank you for your message – though any hint of actual courtesy here is purely formal, as I have no doubt you will fail to register.
It is the nature of an edited volume that individual contributors, at least those of the right disposition, can be kept in line with reference to the impact on fellow contributors of their action or inaction. I don’t for a moment imagine that the volume would be seriously weakened by the absence of my rather mediocre chapter, but I am sufficiently susceptible to appeals to the collective good to let you off the hook of having to explain to the publisher why I had withdrawn at the last minute.
In the interests of a quiet life, I have replaced every semicolon and comma with a full stop, and trust that this now meets your peculiar standards. I have, after some thought, decided not to include a footnote to explain why the prose is quite so unspeakably leaden. Regular readers will probably recognise that this is effectively a hostage situation.
Yours,
Neville
Dear X,
What a surprise, after two and a half years of complete silence, to receive chapter proofs this morning – and with nearly a whole week to turn them around! I note that you have taken on board my comments about whether the images were really necessary. Obviously it might have been nice if you’d done that before I expended time and money on sorting out permissions, and if you’d thought to mention this rather than just making a unilateral decision. But clearly I should count my blessings that you have not unilaterally replaced some of my footnotes with references to your own publications, as you’ve done with one of my fellow contributors. Do you honestly not see why that might be an issue, or do you not care?
I can at least say that working with you on this volume has brought the rest of us together in a truly heart-warming manner, and we have the special t-shirts to prove it. But what pleases me most is that you have not made any changes to the two opening paragraphs that I added to the final version.
Very much hoping that this is the end of it.
Neville
Leave a comment